BLAM

When Jared was eight, he met his Monster

He loved it, and the Monster loved him

When Jared was sad, his Monster cheered him

When Jared was mad, his enemies feared him

Jared continued to grow, his Monster with him

But a young man with a Monster, doesn’t have many friends

Jared explained as best could

Said he wanted to try and fit in the best he could

Monster made Jared promise that they’d still play

Once or twice a year, to keep Monster at bay

But Monster did not like being alone

Got meaner and meaner as Jared would grow

Monster hated the people that took his place

Wanted to eat them alive, savor every taste

Jared refused to let Monster feed

He locked away Monster for his hatred and greed

Monster would cry and tell Jared not to go

That the people don’t know him like Monster did know

Jared agreed and said as he locked Monster in

It must be this way if I’m to fit in

I hear we’re made in God’s image

God must have a drug problem

God must masturbate to his creations masturbating to his creations masturbating online

God must resent authority, and in turn hates himself

God must think church is a waste of time

God is an artist-reverend-left-right-wing-ultra-Conservative-hippie-rapist

You think you have questions about existence?

Try having no beginning or end, and tell me you wouldn’t create a race of people exactly like yourself.

Or at least develop a God complex

Tomorrow keeps coming

but the grass is never greener

nor the air any less of a poison

humans any less of a plague

everyone suffers, everyone struggles

no one is special, unless you’re on T.V

then people wonder, why people jump off bridges

question the slit wrists of youth

interpret the blood and brain matter of the once innocent

like any modern art, in any MOMA

spectators whisper speculation, as body after body enters the earth

feigning guilt, and offering cheap obligatory condolancies to the bareaved

when deep in the recesses of their brain is the answer

a memory of when that person, now meat

called to them for help

but they aren’t on T.V

and you aren’t at church

Sometimes I think total void of emotion is the only way to go.  I don’t think many people read this blog, and that’s fine by me.  I just say that to reassure myself that I can write anything I want.  These past couple days have been riddled with friend crimes.  From friends that are close to me, or I consider them close anyway.  I always rate my friends by what I would do, but that’s wrong of me.  My ways are kind of extreme.  Fuck that.

Fuck all of you, the ones that have fucked me over.  The ones that whisper behind my back.  The ones that want to get a rise out of me.  The ones that show no loyalty, and feign affection.  Fuck you.  Can you tell I’m angry? Just a little. 

So I’ve been doing a bunch of art work, playing guitar, and what not.  I need a new project, video, art, music, whatever.  I’m going to be setting up recording equipment, I just want my next big idea that’ll take up a bunch of time.  I want to work on a disinformation campaign against a major corporation, but I’m not plugged into a big enough urban society.  Being stuck on an island makes it hard to spread free bigmac coupons for mcdonalds, fake of course.  I don’t have a printer, or space for a printer, so that sucks.  Video whys I’m not too inspired right now.  I could focus on learning german, which sounds good to me.  I need to research new things to learn, and get back into studying.  Sounds peaceful and gooood.  Maybe I’ll think up some fun photoshop projects, I just want to make something tangible.  I want to graffiti, but it’s too risky.  Since it’s the holidays, I have to work overtime to keep my depression at bay.  The suggestions thing for artwork was fun, might try that again.  Up my fitness regimen, start making more food from scratch.  I mean I do most of these things already, but I have to up it.  Here’s to operation don’tgetsuperdepressedontheholidays.  

Push yourself.

I hate being the person who thinks ahead of the current situation.  1000 moves ahead man, that’s my thing.  People always tell me that it doesn’t have to be that way, like I can just shut it off…pshh.  I can’t just indulge in anything that comes my way, I wish I could though, it’d be easier.  What would you say I do?  Indulge or not?  It isn’t my place to worry about other peoples lives more then they do.  Should I do away with these things?  I don’t even know if I can.  Whatever…

there are a thousand things I want to do, and I am doing them as I live.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not living hard enough, like I’m somehow wasting my time.  However, I’m in portugal doing my thing, making art, but why? everyone I know is back home, everyone I love is back home.  Isn’t that life? Living it with the people you love?  I don’t know.  Societies view on what it is to “live” is fucked up, makes people believe that leaving everything is leaving, but that’s such a lie.  Finding what you love, and doing it with the people you love is living, not escaping it.  

So I sit in my bed, writing this blog, thousands of miles from people I love, and want to be with.  I’ve learned without higher learning, I’ve prospered without a degree.  People yearn for dreams that I have accomplished.  Yet, I wake up in the morning thinking, here we go again.  I want to fill my brain with information, and my room with art.

Give me all you have, and I will give you all of me.

Finished my illustration today, turned out pretty ok.  It’s just one of my collage pictures, but I’m glad it’s done.  Took me a couple weeks.  It’s always surprising that it takes so long to draw these things.  You’d think weaving together images that seemingly have no correlation.  

Now the illustrations will continue, I’m happy to have my drawing pad and extra large clip board.  I do need sharpies though.  I also got most of my art work up on facebook, been puttn’ that off for a while.

This book I’m reading is phenomenal.  I don’t know why, but the stories of serial killers are so interesting.  Carl Panzram’s childhood was full of hate.  From his parents, christians, the police.  He was a serial killer forged from the hate of the human race.  He was beat hardcore, gang raped twice, etc.  I challenge anyone to experience what he did, and come out okay in the late 1800s to early 1900s.

Anyways, my studies of psychopathy and serial killers continues.

It’d be cool to be a vampire…watching season 4 true blood finally.

I haven’t been very video inspired, but I’m not to worried about it considering my artistic fruitfulness (illustration, painting, etc).  I’m looking forward to the weekend.

I want to draw something disturbing, but I feel it whatever it is should come out this weekend. cool…to watch another episode or to sleep, that is the question.

I’m finishing up an illustration, it should be done by tomorrow.  I just wish I had a frame for it.  I have got to remember to document my artwork so I at least have digital copies.  I give them out like hot cakes, bet if they had a price I’d be drowning in artwork.

Watched a movie called other earth, or something like that.  It was cool, a nice sci-fi indie film.  Gonna watch the proposition later, as well as the new jason stathom movie.  Not tonight though.

I’m so happy my parents sent me my grandpa’s giant clip board, it’s like he’s drawing with me every time I work on a project.  I could have learned so much from him, that makes me sad.

I still don’t feel lonely, I’ve just settled into being alone.  I think it’s to the point if someone showed interest in me I wouldn’t be able to take them seriously.  Which could be a problem for any future relationship possibilities.  

Her: Would you like to hang out sometime?

Me: Haha why would you want to hang out with me?

Her: Cuz, I think you’re interesting.

Me: Am I being punked?

This next month one of my friends are leaving, and he is someone I hang out with often.  I’m excited to shake things up a bit.

I think it’s about that time to reassess my goals, and refocus.  I mean I’ve been focused on my artwork (general term for anything creative), for a while.  I just feel a project coming on, and that’s always exciting.

Started reading this book on this late 1800-early 1900 serial killer.  It’s his own personal memoirs from before he was put to death.  It’s so interesting.

Time to sleep